


The Agony Of Self (Breathe, Breathe, Breathe)

by Cat_Ra_She_Ra_Hearth_of_etheria



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I apoligize, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Like seriously get tissues, No one is unsympathetic really, Roman kinda sucks in the beginning, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, They all really need therapy, Who else lives for Janus Angst??, like at all, read and weep, they just don't know how to communicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:00:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29013963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Ra_She_Ra_Hearth_of_etheria/pseuds/Cat_Ra_She_Ra_Hearth_of_etheria
Summary: Janus Shares his story and how it shaped himWith lots of hugging (eventually)
Relationships: Not written Romanticly though it could be totally seen that way
Kudos: 32





	The Agony Of Self (Breathe, Breathe, Breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> You guys I never meant to make this so sad.  
> Pay Mind to the Tags!!
> 
> Uh- Enjoy! I guess.... >;D
> 
> Kudo's and Comments Always Appreciated!

They were arguing for what felt like the umpteenth time this week. 

Bickering was typical between the sides but this, this was a full on battle starring the one and only Roman himself. The sander side video of “ Putting others first” had happened maybe two weeks ago and in that time literally nothing had changed. Though Janus _could_ (grudgingly) admit that Patton's flinches had reduced and Logan had let Janus share his spot. And yet, And yet everything _important_ had stayed the same. He was used to casual jabs and he returned them with a fever but the “jabs'' lately had become more blatant outbursts of insults instead. And _god,_ he was so _sick_ of it. _Who the heck did they think they were?_ That was an obvious answer they were, the “precious” _light sides_ who could do and say anything and it was all _cookies and rainbows_ when they were openly bullying others. Where they got away with everything as long as they _apologized_ and hugged out their issues. And now? Now if anything it had gotten worse. 

He was so _done_

Ah, And there it was the Climax of Romans argument, “ We can’ t trust him! He has never told us anything about himself! He hasn't given us any proof! Have you forgotten! He’ s dark side, he’ s evil! A snake! A monster! A-”

With a flick of Janus’ s wrist Roman’ s own hand silenced himself.

All the sides were there Remus included. He had been surprisingly calm though Janus could sense his impending snap and fury that lurked quietly behind the smile. When Roman was silenced Remuses smile grew slightly more genuine as all eyes snapped towards Janus. Logans an odd mix of curiosity and shock, Pattons wide brimming with _fear_ , Virgil's carefully concealed hostility and stunned silence, Remus' smirk and eating at the show, and Roman’ s open fury as he muffled angered insults. And Tomas, Sweet, loving tomas’ s eyes contorted in shock and anger.

When Janus spoke his voice was cool, and collected yet somehow conveyed livid fury far beyond words as the others took timid steps back. His fists were tightly clenched though shaking with anger and his whole world seemed to be tinged red, “ Enough.” He said and smiled, _actually smiled!_ “Remus, Darling, Be a dear” He nodded slightly at roman and with a wicked grin Remus crossed. Switching from Standing with roman to behind Janus.

It was a simple gesture though one of hostility nonetheless. Where dark creativity once stood with his brother, a light, his other half. He had crossed over to a dark, standing behind JAnus resting his mace on his shoulder and smirking slightly. It made Virgl sink slightly deeper into his hoodie and Patton recolie slightly as an obvious reminder of who’ s side Remus _exactly_ was on. It was deathly chilling how a whole room of people could be silenced at such a simple action and a cruel reminder of where the twin stood.

 _“ Breathe_ ” Remus whispered so quietly none but Janus heard it and he nodded slightly at the reminder. _Cool and collected_

Logan moved to Roman standing by the light Creativity in parallel to Remus. 

They had dreamed of this day, yearned for it. When they could yell back, exact their revenge, kick and scream as they all wished they could do. As if it was _their fault_ . “ _Breathe_ ” Another silent reminder, because No, Janus could _not_ be sucked back into the unyielding void of memories and trauma. 

Not now at least.

In A voice reserved for only the deadliest of times he whispered slightly to Remus, Keeping his eyes trailed on the others,

“Remember, that.... Offer you made?”

He swore he heard Remuses smile as he whispered back, “ The one about Maggots?” 

“No, no the other one.”

“The one where we ‘slice and dice’ “

“ _Remussss_...”

“ ‘course, I remember boss”

“Yes, well I’m seriously considering it.”

“Really?”

“Drastic times lead to drastic measures.”

“....you mean being honest?”

“Precisely”

A slight Eye roll at that and then Thomas interrupted in a meek voice, “ uh, SHould we be worried?”

Janus promptly Ignored him, “Where do we begin?”

To which Remus responded, “The beginning?”

“And where is that exactly?”

“The cry?”

“No, There’ s too many conditions, too many variables.”

“The Apple?”

“That begging’ s cursed with few followers.”

“Then, the orange.”

“He Came forth too late.”

“Where _do_ you want to start, Janus?”

“Tea?”

“I could Go for tea.”

Then, turning to the others as though he hadn’ t just had a mysterious conversation with the literal embodiment of dark creativity, He clapped his hands together and grinning wickedly, “Tea?” He asked them. He took their stunned silence as a yes and smiled more, though it never reached his eyes. A snap of his gloved fingers and they appeared in Janus’ s room.

The Room was the most guarded important secret and area for every side. It made Names look like Party talk. You _never_ went into a room unless invited. _Ever_ It was the biggest invasion of privacy possible. A direct threat and a dangerous one. When In a side's territory that certain side had complete and total control. Their powers were amplified while yours were muted. 

Not only Was it a very vulnerable action but also one of trust. The sides in a way were like Vampires, you let one in they can come in whenever they want. So when Janus Snapped his fingers teleporting them _directly_ into the center of Januses _haven_ Remus’ s eyes widened. It was a luxury that not even he had been given, though understandable because when you let _intrusive thoughts_ in it was even harder to think. Virgil and the other sides, too, were not lost on implications that the gesture held.

Janus’s room, _surprise! Surprise!_ Was Decorated in yellow and balck. Victorian style embellished with white trim. There are a multitude of levels on one rectangle bed, on the other a grand piano, a closest and the second level bookshelf upon a bookshelf stacked with philosophical and moral queries, studies and mysteries too and a plush couch with a round coffee table. He gestured to them and with another snap tea and scones cluttered the wood table. They sat with faces ranging from hostility to fear and he drank his tea constantly. It was.... Immensely _awkward_ which was an odd, and definitely not the way Janus had been imagining how things would go. _Like peeling a band-aid_ he began.

“I’m sure you have... questions for both me and remus. I suppose you could say we're here to.. _Fill in the gaps_ ”

Virgl spoke, finally, _finally_ , “Define _gaps_ ”

Janus did _not_ flinch at the hostile, suspicious tone. And it did _not_ hurt to hear his ex-bestie who he once sat contently on the living room couch, their feet splayed on eachother reading and watching ongoing ridiculous conspiracy theories, laughing so casually and comfortably, so- **_No,NO,No_ ** **, No** No No, no he was _not_ doing that here, not now. 

He did the only thing he could.

A smile, A smirk, A mask on mask to hide the pain.

“ Just the things you _left_ out.” And _Dang it!_ He couldn't even hide the snake hiss, the inflection in his voice _pathetic, pathetic, pathetic_

He straightened his spine, Avoiding the shadowy eyes and began with a voice sickly sweet...

“Roman, I personally, am _sick_ of being your punching bag for every insecurities and self doubt you've ever had. Go slay another Dragon if you want to feel validated but please, do us _both_ a favor and quit while you're ahead.” 

Remus snickered slightly, boosting Janus’ s confidence and he continued switching his demeanor again going from quiet furry to “ flattery” in a second. 

“ But then again, you're absolutely right.” 

Remus blinked at that and added, “ he is?”

Janus nodded trying oh, so carefully not to let his mask slip, “ Yes, I know, a rare occurrence. But he _is_.” 

Logan, the most blunt _would_ be the first to interject, “ Can you clarify as to what you are speaking of exactly? That is, what do you think Roman is correct about? '' Janus blinked slightly letting his Snake Eye travel on its own and pointedly avoiding Patton's horrified glance. 

“Well, you see Remus and I have _hardly_ “redeemed” ourselves, for after all you know nothing about me, or him. Roman, Darling, is quite right in saying that we have hardly been open about our... _tragic_ past.” 

Remus inhaled sharply playing his role well, And Janus took the opportunity to ask the dark creativity “ That is, do you mind me sharing?” twisting his neck to look at him. Uncharacteristically silent Remus nodded and whispered, “ What about- what about _virgl_ ” Genuine confusion showing through Janus asked, “ what of him?” 

“Does he not have a say? I mean it was his story to.... Like, Consent and stuff?” 

“ He gave that up the moment he left.” 

“ Janus...” And gosh dangit Remus has a point because if Janus were in virgil's shoes, he _would_ be livid. “ Fine.” he gritted out before turning back to the bewildered sides, “ _Virgl_ '' he spat out and the other side satisfactory flinches at the firsoity, “ Do we have your _permission_ your, _blessing_?” 

Regaining his posture the other side grits out, “I- I’d rather not'' Janus raises his eyebrows amused, “Oh, I’m sorry. Your right we shouldnt do _anything_ just because dear, little _Virgl_ Said so. After All you're just hiding who you are- oh! Sorry, who you _were_ clearly so much _better_ than us lowly _dark sides._ ” He says not at all abashed to admit he's smirking. 

Patton Jumped u rather suddenly, “Don’ t talk about my son that way!” 

And Gosh Dang it Janus can’ t help he snarls, actually snarls because even though sweet Patton has no idea the implication behind those words, they pack a punch. 

Another silent reminder in his ear, “ _Breathe.”_

He did slowly at first and just barely restrained the request for Arsenic. Because he is _absolutely_ sure he could slip some in Patton drink if he really wanted too.

“Are we doing this?” Remus whispers. _Are we Actually_ **_Crazy_ ** _enough to even consider this?_ It’s not spoken. But over two decades in isolated darkness creates a bond it seems because those thoughts are still heard loud and clear. Janus Breathes Again. Deep, Shaky and low. He puts everything he has into that breath. Breathes it like It’s his last one- because if they do this, If they _actually do this_ It might as well be. 

He ends. Even though every Morsel of Self-Preservation he has screams at him not to, he Nods. 

_He nods_

and the flood gates open.

_“The Mind Palace Isn’ the only building in the brain. It would be ridiculous if it was- for Brains are more complicated than anything. More complex than we will ever know. But there are three structures that are the most valued and important parts. They are as real as Me and Remus, only existing where you create them. The first Structure is the Mind Palace. It is home to the Lights, To Morality, Logic Creativity. The Second Most Important Building Is the NeverHome. That place houses The Dark Sides Decciet, Creativity, Anxiety And... Truculent. The third Most Important Structure Is the Bridge. A wall, really Created to Divide, to Isolate and to trap. To imprison the four darks so they can never poison Their young host’s mind. But- But once They all lived together. Far before the bridge was needed or created they lived in harmony. Self, Curiosity, Feelings, Creativity, caution, and Leader. That was when the Host’s mind was stronger when the implications of The Environment around him did nothing. When the host played freely and created freely. But slowly the effects of a controlling society would poison the hosts mind on their own. The first to be thrust out of peace was 3. Young and vulnerable Self was thrown away. INto nothingness. Now Food, No Water, No SHelter, No life, No love, No one around. Isolated and completely alone. Until the split. Until King Creativity Became The Prince and the Duke, The Good and the bad. And With the Split of metaphysical beings the split of the mind occured. Two Sides and a jagged void between them. And then the most surprising of all, Leader came. Leader who was so good came to the dark, vollinterly. That was the oddest of all. No one came to the NeverHome voluntarily. No one wanted to be here- except Leader. But the leader had changed. He was no longer “Leader” He became Truluccent, always the first to start a fight, argumentative and controlling- obsessive one might call it. He said there was a fight. There was no more specification to that- Just “A fight” and he said that We, Self and Duke were his now. His army, His soldiers and he could do with us hatever he pleased._

_Cation came last, involuntarily into the darkness._

_By that time Self was worthless, there was no need to protect the self when you would protect the others. ANd Self constantly puts others before themselves physically and mentally. As Duke's powers grew stronger and more impulsive, more drastic, self would constantly deflect attention, fists or weapons. It became common practice and Self became unnecessary. Decciet however Decciet was protection and so Self became Decciet master of duality. Master of deflection master of lies._

_Cation became Anxiety around the same time the bridge was built. When the gap between good and bad was shortened when the host's understanding of the world shifted with it. And Anxiety lept. Jumped out of the Dark and into the light._

_The funny thing is that Anxiety leaving was the best thing possible for us. It hurt Sue, being abandoned by the person you'd done so much for but, you see the divide only happened as long as the Lights enforced it. As long as the rules were upheld by those “in the right'' there was no way for the darks to have a voice. To be heard or even to ask for help. We were essentially muffled, not wanted._

_SO when Anxiety Jumped And even stranger when the lights let him well, the gap shifted again and suddenly the bridge became more stable. But it needed a push and Fury in the dark was simmering and boiling over. I remember that night well, It was dark midnight, and the knife ginted. It was imagination made, a soul sword, wickedly sharp and appropriate for the occasion. We were both so Tired. Of living in the shadows, of being strangled and breathing in the wrong direction, of being scared because we were in the wrong lace. And we decided to end it. One Slit and beads of ruby red metallic blood slid from Trucclant’s neck. It was quick and painless, far more than he deserved. And finally dead. Soul shards have unique properties and fragments of the soul went from Trucclant to The most vulnerable. Decciet, Creativity, Anxiety and by extension the lights. And that was the breaking point- the key. With fragments of Dark in the light The Gap- hile still there- merged for the most part._

_ANd finally, finally it was Easy enough to cross- but to be heard was a completely different story. I have the ability to muffle, to block but so does morality. Repression is one of the many things we have in common. And Both of us were repressed to the point where drastic measures were taken. Impersonating Patton was never how I wanted to be formally introduced to the Lights but “Drastic times lead to Drastic measures” And so we “seemed” in the corner._

_And the Callback was just too good for an opportunity to miss. Self and Decciet together. Inward Love is always a weakness. Anginst Outward. Except, Except, Self lost. Self failed and was proved again,_ **_worthless_ ** _Except this time the host wasn't satisfied with that. This time the host was frustrated, this time the host was upset with the choice of outward love and Self had another chance. And self took it. And won. For the first time since existing Self won. And Self let himself hope. Let self focus on being Janus. “_

But Self forgot- self forgot one very important thing. 

Self forgot Decciet. 

Decciet lies- Decciet lied to himself. 

Because it would never be true, would it?

That was the first lesson Self learned.

Worthless

Not Needed

Unnecessary

Useless

Stupid

Foul

Lies

Lies

Lies

Lies.....

It was always a lie.

So Decciet told the truth 

Told the very people he was sworn to hate the truth, told them his life, his story and brought them into his domain.....

Why?

Why did he do that?

Why was he so foolish into thinking that somehow things would change?

He was so freaking useless.

So dumb.

Such a drama king, just screaming for attention, just wishing for things that would never _never_ \- “ _breathe”_

Remus

Remus

Remus

In

OUt

In

Out

Breathe

Remus

Janus stood. His chair screeched as he stood. And he left. He did _not_ sprint. Did _not_ cry. 

He needed to be away. Needed to be out of the room surrounded by people giving him pitying and hocked stares. Needed to be away from the suffocating itchy watching of eyes that traced his every move, judging him.

He needs to breathe.

In

Out

In

Out

In

Out.

His feet. Where were his feet?

The ground- anchoring him

His hands. where were his hands?

On his arms holding onto his hat gripping it tightly- relax

His Eyes. What could he see?

The NeverHome Living room. Couch, Table, Coffee.

His Nose. What could he smell?

Metal, Rust, Water, Dust, Pastries, Books, Blood from Remus's latest kill.

Breathe

Breathe 

Breathe

“You ok J-Anus?”

Remus.

He sighed and hated himself for how shaky it was and settled on asking feebly, “What do you think?”

He turned from facing away towards his friend and realized he wasn’ t alone. Virgl.

Virgil

Virgil

Virgil

**Virgil**

**VirgilVirgilVirgilVirgilVirgilVirgilVirgilVirgil**

“Virgil”

“Hey, Jan” 

And The Lord of the Lies _swears_ up and down he _isn't_ shaking. 

But He’s too obvious and the Cape around him barely covers his caved in stomach, let alone his tremors. Virgil runs to him. Grabs his arms and... and...

Hugs him.

Wraps his arms around Janus and sinks to the ground sobbing. 

He's so tired. So exhausted. 

Of falling

Of failing

Of anger and Fury

Of dying

over

and

over and

over.

he just wants.... he just wants....

this.

And the Hug is everything. Its fire and Ice, it's love and Hate Its passion and fury, weak and strong. And Janus Needs it. He grabs onto the side and collapses around him trying to put everything into the hug. 

And he sobs ugly tears that rip themselves from his throat and cold with virgil's howls.

Their messy

Uglie messes that need stitches and replacements

Need transplants and bandages.

Have scars and burns

Have fear and hate and urry and trauma and neglect, and Nightmares, and panic attacks, and sadness, and tears and manipulation and-

And have love.

Have each other

Right now

In this hug in these sobs.

In this love.

It's not perfect

 _Their_ not perfect

To many sharp edges, to many screams too many scars.

But right now-

Right now that doesn't matter

Because they have lies- _and_ truth. 

A simple truth

One that doesn't slip one that can't be silenced or blocked

Because famILY is _so_ much more.

FamILY Is what you make it

FamILY is there when your falling so they can pick you back up

FamILY Loves you without hesitation

Without fear

Without Anger 

Without Hate

Arms, More Arms White robed arms black and blue ties, Kitten Cardigans and puffed sleeves.

And Thomas

Thomas's Arms wrapped around Janus

And It’s everything he ever wanted. 

Everything he could never have.

It’s Love.

Broken messy and healing

Scared and broken

Traumatized and therapy.

  
  


And FamILY is _so_ much more.


End file.
